


we don't have to live forever, we don't have to settle down

by bellawritess



Series: malum prompts [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Band Fic, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Mentions of Sex, OH what's helen's word, Sexual Humor, bandter, bullshit, just guys being dudes, oh well, why did i do that - Freeform, yeah that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:49:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27706523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellawritess/pseuds/bellawritess
Summary: “Fuck it,” Calum says, collapsing over Michael and Luke’s laps on the couch. “ I quit. I’m gonna become a farmer.”
Relationships: Michael Clifford/Calum Hood
Series: malum prompts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026381
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	we don't have to live forever, we don't have to settle down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [killingangels](https://archiveofourown.org/users/killingangels/gifts).



> **prompt:** calum decides to become a farmer.
> 
> [tumblr link!](https://clumsyclifford.tumblr.com/post/617555107492544512/calum-decides-to-become-a-farmer)
> 
> title from right now by the vamps

“Fuck it,” Calum says, collapsing over Michael and Luke’s laps on the couch. “ I quit. I’m gonna become a farmer.” 

Luke yelps indignantly at Calum’s fall, but Michael is entirely unfazed, and carries on playing whatever he’s playing. It sounds like GTA, but Calum’s hasn’t played enough GTA to know.

“Okay,” Michael says. “We can finally get a bassist who doesn’t suck.”

“Calum does suck,” Luke says. “ _Dick_.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, was I the one making so many sex noises last night that the tour bus nearly broke down?” Calum asks. Luke blushes deeply.

“That doesn’t even make sense,” he says. “Shut up.”

“I wish you and Ash would shut up,” Calum says.

“He’s right, Luke,” Michael says. “You guys are like the loudest people in the world. I know all of Ashton’s kinks now.”

“What about Ashton’s kinks?” Ashton asks, striding into the common area with a towel tied around his waist and a t-shirt draped around his neck. Calum wishes Ashton weren’t so ripped. It’d be much easier to make fun of him.

“Nothing,” Luke says. “Let’s change the subject. Cal, why are you becoming a farmer?”

“I wanted to talk about Ashton’s kinks,” Michael says. “Daddy kink, for one.”

“I suddenly wish I hadn’t walked in here,” Ashton says. He tugs the t-shirt on, then disappears into the bunk area, calling behind him: “And I don’t have a daddy kink!”

Luke ducks his head. “You so do,” Calum says, momentarily distracted from the farmer thing. “Even if we hadn’t heard you, Luke’s face right now is a dead giveaway.”

“I thought we weren’t supposed to talk about kinks on the tour bus,” Ashton replies, returning to the lounge wearing underwear and tugging on a pair of jeans. “But if we’re already here, Michael’s into BDSM.”

“How could you possibly know that?” Michael accuses. Ashton glances at Calum, and Calum tries to quickly look away. Michael looks scandalized. “Calum, you _told_ him?”

“He traded me!” Calum says, defensive. “He told me one of Luke’s.”

“Ashton!” Luke exclaims.

“Weirdest trade ever, but so worth it,” Calum says.

“Wait, what’s Luke’s?” Michael pokes at Calum’s shoulder.

“I shouldn’t say,” Calum says. Luke looks terrorized.

“I hate it here,” he says. “I’m quitting the band.”

“No, you can’t!” Calum says, remembering why he’d come in in the first place. “I’ve already quit. I’m becoming a farmer.” 

“Oh yeah,” Michael says. His eyes have not left the game. Calum is facing the other way and far too lazy to see what game it is. “Why?”

“I can still quit if you’ve quit,” Luke huffs. Calum ignores him. 

“Just seems less stressful,” he says. “Like, chill in the sun, eat fresh fruits and shit. Get in touch with the earth.”

“You sound like Ashton,” Michael says. “Someone Google how to become a farmer, I’m busy.”

“'How to become a farmer,‘” Ashton says aloud, typing. “Looks pretty official, Cal. And expensive.” 

“How can it be expensive? It’s just land.”

“Land is expensive,” Ashton says, like that’s obvious.

“Fuck,” Calum says. “Well, I have a lot of money.”

“And you’re going to spend it on a farm?” Luke says, skeptical.

“Are you going to judge me now, Mr. I Paid Over Two Hundred Pounds For The Same Black Jeans I Could’ve Bought At Target For Twenty?”

“Target jeans are shitty,” Luke argues.

“Yeah, Luke’s right,” Ashton says. “Target jeans are bad.”

“Well, I’ve saved my money, so now I can go buy a farm.” Calum crosses his arms, accidentally elbowing Luke’s stomach in the process.

“Ouch! Get off me, you arse. Only Michael has to put up with you.”

“I don’t _have_ to do anything,” Michael says. “Calum’s lucky to have me.”

“If I could kill you and get away with it,” Calum says seriously, “I would.”

Michael looks away from the TV for the first time since Calum came in, and looks Calum in the eyes. “Would not,” he says simply, quirking his lips in a halfway smile that Calum feels straight down to his toes, and then he goes back to his game. Calum exhales.

“Wow,” Ashton says. “That was incredible. Did you see that? He just _melted_.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Calum says. As if Ashton’s not the sappiest romantic ever whenever Luke so much as looks at him. “I don’t want to hear it, _dad_.”

“Enough about daddy kink,” Ashton says. “Calum’s got a straight-up romance kink.”

“Everyone’s got a romance kink,” Michael says.

“Except Luke,” Calum says. “Luke’s kink is —”

“NO!” Luke shouts, and slaps a hand over Calum’s mouth. He glares. “Not another word or you’re out of the band, Hood.”

Calum licks Luke’s palm. Luke jerks his hand away, disgusted. “You guys can’t keep kicking me out of the band,” he says. “It’s like you weren’t listening when I just told you I’m quitting.”

“It’s because we thought it was a shared dream,” Ashton says. “I, for one, am sick of you. I’ve repeatedly requested management replace you with Mark Hoppus.”

“Calum, get off of me,“ Luke says. He shoves at Calum’s shoulders. "I want toast.”

“Ash will make it for you,” Calum says. Ashton makes a noise of indignation, like Calum’s wrong. 

Luke shoves Calum again. “Get off get off get off get off,” he chants, until Calum’s on the verge of falling to the floor. 

“You’re an arse,” Calum declares, lazily standing up for the two seconds it takes for Luke to stand. Then he falls back where Luke had been and curls up into Michael’s side. Michael lifts his arm to accommodate the new baggage. “I think Luke should be out of the band. He’s bullying me.”

“You threatened to kill me,” Michael points out. 

“Yeah, but you love it.”

Luke makes a face at Calum and then tugs at Ashton’s wrist. “Make toast with me,” he says.

Ashton sighs. “I could’ve just made it for you, you know.”

“Yeah, but I wanna make out,” Luke says, which gets the both of them out of there quickly enough. 

Calum snuggles deeper into Michael’s side. “What do you think, Mikey?”

“I think Ashton definitely has a daddy kink, and Luke is probably a masochist. Only a masochist would date someone with daddy kink.”

“About me becoming a _farmer_ ,” Calum clarifies, emphatically. He’s not certain, but he wouldn’t be surprised if Luke’s got a masochist kink. He’s got just the right self-esteem for it.

“Oh,” Michael says. “Don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Who would cuddle me?”

“Luke, probably.”

“Fine, but who would suck my dick half an hour before shows and then kiss me 'til I couldn’t breathe?”

“Luke,” Calum says again. He turns his head and kisses Michael’s shoulder, kind of.

“Ew, gross. Luke’s, like, four.”

Calum hums. Before they can lapse into silence, he says, “You’re right. I’d miss you too much.”

“Yeah you would.”

“Miss having someone who lets me tie them up and fuck them,” Calum mutters. Michael’s arm jerks.

“Are you propositioning me?”

“Nope,” Calum says, grinning cheekily. “Not in the mood for sex.”

“I don’t even know why I’m dating you,” Michael grumbles. “What’s the point of you if you won’t be my sex slave?”

“Someone to cuddle,” Calum says, and Michael doesn’t answer, because he’s right.

Calum turns his head towards the TV and silently watches Michael play GTA (so it _is_ GTA) and thinks life could never get this good on any farm. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading <3 i'm on tumblr [@clumsyclifford](http://clumsyclifford.tumblr.com/) so come say hey!


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